User blog:FearStrikerKrysantheShimmer/wikiversary? who's this?
(ive been planning a public apology for a while now. so, despite me usually not being serious, here it is. there are likely going to be some mature mentions, so please take note of that while you read, thank you.) ---- As of today, November 8th 2018, I have had my account active (sometimes inactive) on the fanon wiki for 4 years. Granted, I again wasn't active for the entirety of it all, considering life exists and things like that- but I'd like to give a subtle history lesson, a formal apology, and a few other things. My Arrival Before I came onto this wikia, or made an account at all, I'd simply been sitting in the shadows, reading and making some small characters of my own. Then after I'd stumbled into the wikia, I took a look around. In these early days, I was astonished by the brilliance and wonder of the wikia - even if it was in a somewhat bad condition, from what I'd heard. I really liked the idea of making pages for my characters - so I joined. November 8th, 2014, I was but a somewhat oblivious 13 year old kid. I had no idea about any of the underlying issues that'd been occurring, and I'll admit I didn't glance at the rules before making my first few characters. (Most of which are likely deleted now.) They were talked about, and I admittedly suggested a few overpowered fantribes on the old fantribe thread just so my characters could stay. However, eventually I did convert them into canon tribes. Some First Things I Did * As read above, I made a few tribeless dragons Krysanthe, Shimmer which didn't follow guidelines at first. (That unsuable fantribes were considered tribeless.) * I presume I joined in a few roleplays? I don't actually remember much. * I made the rest of my little crew of dragonets, almost trying to mimic the first book. Only two remain today. Precious and Cryophobia. They're both being remade though. * Aside from all of this, however, I was on the chat most often. With my own laptop, I could do whatever I wanted until I was told to do something in reality. I spoke mostly with Outclaw, as he was one of the few to welcome me alongside Matau, Luster, and a few others. Some First Friends I Made * Outclaw, you were one of the first friends I've ever had on here. I hope you know I do still consider you to be a friend. You're the only friend that I somewhat talk to that's been on here as long as I. * I befriended Matau, Sanctus, Luster, Whitefoot, Texting.. Countless others. Most of which who don't use the wikia anymore, or have moved to other ones. My Mistakes & Regrets When I think back about every awful choice I made regarding the wiki, I flinch. I'm serious, I flinch or cringe upon my mistakes. Honestly, those who weren't even there and only heard about the incident a year or two afterwards have directly ignored me. They decided I was unworthy of their time, and I can't disagree. However, it just bugs me that they didn't bother asking about why I'd done it, or for the entire story. So buckle up, it's gonna get heavier. My thirteen year old self had been going through rough times as everyone does at some points. However, like I said before, I've made countless errors. I've said I'm someone that was previously banned, I've hurt others emotionally countless times, I've manipulated almost the entirety of the staff at one point or another, I've said I was in situations I wasn't. I've caused unnecessary problems between users and the staff with different accounts, I've faked a serious injury/illness, and on top of all that, I've tried to evade my blocking when enough was enough. I was not a good person in the past, and I really tried my damnedest to change that. I really don't want my past to be what defines me since it's happened so much to so many people. I'm very well aware I'm undeserving of a second chance because of what I've done, but because I've also had time to reflect upon what's happened, I hope this is my chance to actually redeem myself. I wouldn't be on here if I didn't want to be. I wouldn't type this if I wanted to keep it confidential. I want to be a better person, I want to heal from this. This is for my own health, because if I didn't start typing this when I did, I likely would've only felt more horrible. Please take into consideration that I am not the person I was three, four years ago. I've grown, I can feel it, and I've been told. I regret all of what I've done in the past on this wikia, and I could only ever want to make up for it and move on at this point. I regret all of my past errors; I want to move on, and I will move on from this after I'm done writing. Behind the Scenes & Aftermath I won't get into the details of what's bene going on in my life since that's only for my close friends to know, but like you could imagine, it was tough. It was difficult. For those who know it, my step-father was a constant issue in my life. I often fought with my siblings, I was often riddled with chores, and I was battling undiagnosed and completely unnoticed depression and anxiety. I needed attention, is my theory. I say theory because I can't force myself to remember what I thought, or force myself into that mindset. That would just make things far worse for me, and I'd just.. Rather not. Regardless, for those who may remember it, I was on and off the wiki for months at a time. Admittedly, one of the things that was keeping me around for short amounts of time was the thought of becoming a part of the staff. I don't care about being any part of authority - I'm fine the way I am. I don't need a little icon or name on the staff list to make me new friends when I already made some new ones and reconnected on my own. But, still, that was definitely one of the things on my mind as I kept trying to stay on the wikia. Fast Forward After being blocked and the attempted evasion, I only tried to keep connection with Outclaw and Barron. It ended horribly, however. I remember something pushing me over the edge and just all up and abandoning any signs of wikia because of something I most likely started. I was a coward. I don't like conflict, but I hate being a coward or being useless more than anything else in the world. After my block was over, I tried to return to the wikia. I drifted further, and got into the Five Nights at Freddy's franchise, fleeing to an app called Kik to further my love for that fandom. That's another story though, one that I'll not get into too heavily here since it's kinda irrelevant. But I will say this. During that time, I met about five friends, four of which I'm still connected with, who seriously helped me through all of my issues. They understood, they took care of me. They called me out on my garbage attempts at trying to fall back to old habits. After my time with those friends started to dwindle, I came back. I kept swinging from here, to Kik, to Amino, to Discord, and back. Made and lost friends, becoming numb to it really. It sucks. Knowing you've messed up so badly at one point, and having it just linger in your mind. Another reason I write this - to stop having it linger so harshly like a serpent waiting to strike at me. Anxiety & Self Reflection So like I'm sure I mentioned a little before, I wasn't exactly happy about coming back the first few times? Especially when all I've gotten was either no replies or something I didn't want to hear. Don't get me wrong, it was great to catch up with the people who had my back still, but it was just.. Strange. Whenever I saw that certain users were online (by editing, being on chat, etc.) I usually tried not to do too much. I didn't want anything I said or did to be taken the wrong way, you know? I felt like at any moment someone could just kick me right down the ladder I've climbed up to even think about getting on the wiki. It's not the easiest to face a place you made numerous mistakes in and try to act like everything is normal. Because of all of this, I tried to avoid the main chat as much as possible. I attempted to not do anything but edit my pages or blog posts, which was very difficult. I wanted to jump into roleplays and chat on some message walls but my history on here always haunts my mind every time I get on here. I'm not trying to guilt trip at all, this is just.. How I feel/felt about everything. As mentioned previously I did get power-hungry at one point, and that was the only thing that was keeping me around for a short amount of time. At this point, I don't care about what my reputation around here is much anymore; if it's good, great. If it's bad, okay. If I'm just your average user, awesome. (News flash: staff are also your average users - they're just making sure the wiki doesn't explode.) Regardless, I messed up my own schedule for trying to prove myself, and I just gave up. Realization smacked me hard that day. It didn't matter. Older users were leaving, newer crowds were coming in - some of the newer folks even mistook me for a new user too, very interesting. Present Now, after I've had time to think on all of my past mistakes, I present this blog. My public apology with my fourth wikiversary. I hope that by reading this, a few things will come of it. Like, heavy mistakes will linger for at least a little while until you try to do something about it. Nobody likely wants to hear it, but it's true. Not everything just goes away in the blink of an eye. By presenting this blog, I wanted to prove mostly to myself that I do want to become a better person and move past all of this. I want to start over without fully starting over. I don't want this storm cloud looming over my head constantly when I think about the wikia. I love this wiki, I love the characters and roleplays, I love Wings of Fire. I want to stay in this fandom. It's brought me friends, art improvement, coding skills, practice in character design - a lot of things. I'm thankful for all of it. Something irrelevant but still slightly relevant: Von is my sona. Some of you may know, some of you may not know. Von is, to date, my most accurate sona. I don't think that anything will ever really compare to how closely descriptive he is to represent me. He shows the down more than the ups, which most users would rather not see, but it's important. It's what I'm like. Most people do see only the ups, and most people only want to describe the ups - but there is always going to be that one part that's even remotely negative. If anyone wants to take a shot at being a friend of mine after this, I'd suggest looking into his page to see if I'll bug you or not. Even with casual talk. Future * at some point i need to host more roleplays * i need to write more fanfictions and adjust my au(s) * i want to interact with the community more instead of sitting on the sidelines or in a corner * i want to be the best person i can possibly be My Sincere Apologies * i owe my biggest apology to outclaw: im sorry for literally everything ive done, you deserved someone so much better to be around and make you happy in those times you needed it - i wasnt a good influence, i was extremely toxic in that span of time, and i know we already talked things out, but i really do hope we can get by this once and for all * the others who i need to apologize to are no longer active on this wikia, which honestly sucks. but i will still formally apologize for the behavior i displayed back then, and if i really need to, i will take any punishment that staff may deem necessary for my previous actions. Category:Blog posts